A New Attitude

The biggest change in your 40's is the "I don't care" attitude.

It's not that you don't care about yourself or others, but you stop placing so much emphasis on what others think and start focusing more on your needs. Titles don't mean much and "important people" no longer intimidate or impress you.  It's not that you don't respect others...now they have to earn your respect rather than getting it immediately because they have a title.  Family begins to take on a greater meaning in your life and the time comes when you start taking stock of those who belong around you and decide who has worn out their welcome and who is just not worth the time or the effort.

My inner rant and motivation for "house cleaning" in the family began last week when I discovered my cousin's son was in town with his wife and kids for a visit. I found out they were around through the grapevine, not because they actually picked up a phone and called. Ever. And it's not like I did something to them, or said something offensive about them. They just can't be bothered.

My cousin lives in Calgary and only associates with "important people". Translated: they have to have a title. For example, his loud-mouthed cousin in Detroit has a daughter who graduated medical school. Therefore, because her daughter is a doctor, "the mouth" is therefore important. Now if my cousin associates with her, he is somehow elevated on the "status scale" because his cousin's daughter is a doctor. Ya with me? Good. So I am your average citizen who works hard and lives a good life, yet I am without a fancy title. So am I worthy? Apparently not. I always thought he and I got along well, that we were family and we stuck by each other. I'm such a dreamer! So imagine my shock, and horror, when he and his family ignored my wedding invitation five years ago. They did not respond yes or no for attendance, and they did not send a card, leave a voice message or even chip away at their computer to send a quick e-mail. Radio silence - nothing - nada. Now when his first son got married (the one in the paragraph above who doesn't know how to use a phone) my entire family flew to Calgary for the wedding, paid for a hotel to stay in, and provided the requisite card and monetary gift. My parents also GAVE him a car (albeit an older one but in excellent condition) because he and his new wife could not afford one. So that is the quick and dirty background story. 

Now my cousin and his wife, after about six months of not hearing from me, thought that perhaps they had made a mild faux pas in ignoring my wedding and thought it prudent to send a handwritten card, not to apologize or wish my husband and I well, but to justify their position which, in a nutshell, was "we thought you knew we wished you the best". It was quite patronizing and demeaning (and I should really post it for opinions because all my friends who read it said unprintable things about it) and when I received it I was livid. Now, I laugh as I think about it because I wasted so much time trying to get my cousin and his brainless wife to like me and accept me. What a waste of time that was. And that's what happens at some point after the age of 40 - you start to separate the fat from the cream and discard what you don't need. And who needs degrading, demeaning people in their lives?

My cousin's kid always calls my mother for lunch whenever he comes to town. Lately, he's been telling her how his dad never told him I was getting married (whatever!) and how sorry he is that they missed the wedding. So on the surface, we think "hey, he's not so bad". But when you think about it, why is he apologizing to my mother? She's not the one who was snubbed. Why doesn't he call me or my husband to tell us this? Well, I have the answer to that one too - my mom is the one with money. I really would love to have lunch with these two and mention that the will's been written and they're not in it. Wanna know how fast they'd stop calling my mom when they breezed through town?

Of course, my cousin's two other sons got married after I did. And the family had the audacity to send my husband and I wedding invitations. We responded like they did - no response. Yea, it's petty, but it made me feel good. And so that side of the family, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't exist. 

But you know, I still do have revenge fantasies about them. I dream that I win the lottery - some big obscene amount of money. Of course, my name would be in the papers. Do you want to guess how fast they would remember my phone number? And then I would answer (well, my personal assistant would answer) and I, from the background, would say quite loudly "Greg and Patti WHO???" Yea it's petty...and so what? It makes me smile.

But that is what your 40's are about - clarity. In my 20's and 30's I put up with my cousin's crap, their insults, their "we're too busy to see you when we come into town" routines, and my personal favorite "Give me two weeks notice before you come into Calgary so I can make time for you". Because he's so important and so busy. What he doesn't know is that my brother-in-law is also in Calgary and works in the same field as he does, and is much busier than my cousin could ever hope to be. However, the difference is that if I showed up on my brother-in-law's doorstep unannounced I would be welcomed with open arms. And that is what family is...and those are the people you keep close to you. The other ones like my cousin and his brood? You learn to say goodbye and make room in your life for new people to enter. 

The Triumphant Return of Soap

You know, over the last few years, the humble bar of soap has taken a beating in the cosmetic industry. We've been told not to use it on our faces but to invest in liquid cleansers that are supposed to protect our skin and be more gentle on it.

Now I've tried many liquid cleansers, from Bobbi Brown to La Prairie to Clinique to Usana. And here's what happens...they don't clean my skin. I don't care what the advertising says...they don't work. How do I know this? Well, let's talk about breakouts. When I use a liquid cleanser, I have breakouts. I'm 45...I thought my skins problems ended in my teens...its ridiculous to have breakouts at my age. Of course the cosmetic sales people clucked in sympathy and told me the breakouts are because the liquid is actually cleansing my skin and the impurities are coming to the surface. Therefore, the breakouts. Okay, I can buy that...for the first two weeks. But for six months? It's nothing more than jargon to get you to spend a lot of money on their cleansers. And here's another trick I discovered: after removing my makeup with makeup removing cloths and then washing my face with a liquid cleanser, when I dried it on a clean white towel I got makeup on the towel. And that's the real reason I was getting breakouts - my face was still dirty.

Now I say it's time to return to the good old-fashioned bar of soap, and here's why. In my frustration with liquid cleansers and being a victim of the recession like everyone else, I impulsively bought an 8-pack of olive oil soap that was on sale at Costco for about $9.00. I had planned to use it in the shower - it's 100% organic and contains olive oil and aloe vera and, because I have dry skin, I thought it would help moisturize it at the same time. And did I mention it was a really good price?? However, I was in the shower when I opened up the soap and thought I may as well give my face a good scrub before I use it on my body.

Now I took a chance doing this since I have sensitive skin. (yet another reason why I was told I MUST use liquid cleansers) So I was kind of surprised that my face was soft and not at all red or irritated from using this soap. My skin actually felt pretty good. So, I got another bar of the soap and put it by the sink to use on my face at night. I used it for a week every night before I went to bed and what I discovered was that I had no breakouts anymore and my pores actually started getting tighter, something I was starting to worry about because I had never had large pores and I was getting them.

So, this wonderful olive oil soap is called Neolia and, as I said, I found it at Costco. Where else you can get it, I don't know. I do know I am going back to Costco and buying as many 8-packs of this soap as I can afford to just in case they decide not to carry it anymore (like they did with Tony Romas Hot Sauce, but I digress...)

And my liquid face cleansers? They've all found a new home...the garbage.

When cancer strikes a family

We, like any family, always sympathized with the news of others being stricken by cancer. However, when it strikes one of your members, it's like being hit in the head with a baseball bat.

In our case, my sister-in-law was the one who got the bad news. This is a woman who never smoked, rarely drank, ate healthy organic food and exercised. She was very active and worked full-time while running a home-based business. In other words, she did everything "right".  

After getting over the initial shock, we were further dismayed to learn that because of the nature of her cancer and the severity, she could not have chemotherapy, radiation and our last hope, surgery, was out of the question. While the doctors and hospitals were most helpful, they basically said there was nothing more they could do and she was sent home to live out her last days.

Our family did not accept this. There must be other things out there that she could try and we would be damned if we were going to sit around without doing anything. We talked to people...we researched...and we decided to try whatever else we could find to buy her time and get her healthy again. 

We are not doctors. We work closely with her doctor who is very open to the concept of alternative remedies and uses them regularly in his practice. We are also very open to other forms of healing, both spiritual and herbal, and are lucky to have a family friend whose father is a medicine man. We are grateful for his help as well.

So after all this, these are the alternative therapies we have discovered and are currently using on my sister-in-law. If this information is even of value to one person out there, then this post has been worthwhile.

1. Nano-silver. She has just started taking nano-silver. We discovered it while talking to a man who also had cancer and used it. He is now cancer free and was so impressed with the product that he is currently negotiating to buy a company that produces nano-silver. Now there is some controversy about the residual effects of the metal in the system. Our medicine man advised that if one takes nano-silver, you must also eat dark, green vegetables (spinach, broccoli, asparagus, etc.) in order to help break down the toxins.

2. Start juicing, and in particular use juice carrots and garlic together. If you need some sweetness, add half an apple to the mixture. This tip came from a friend of ours who went to a cancer clinic in Mexico and had carrot juice and garlic every day in addition to other herbs. She is now cancer-free.

3. Use turmeric in your cooking, or get turmeric capsules. 

4. Get losts of fresh air. Cancer hates fresh air. My sister-in-law goes for two walks outside in a park every day for 30 minutes. You do not have to power walk...a leisurely walk will do.

5. Remove all traces of sugar from your diet. Cancer loves sugar, so don't eat it. Read the labels on food and do not ingest anything that has sugar. You'd be surprised where sugar hides.

6. Cut out white bread, white flour and white rice from your diet. For bread, buy whole grains.

7. When bathing, run the tub with water as warm as you can stand. Add a mixture of one cup epsom salts, one cup baking soda and one tsp of dry mustard. You can gently rub the epsom salts and baking soda on your skin to cleanse and exfoliate. This mixture will remove dirt while leaving the good bacteria on your skin. Soaps tend to kills germs and good bacteria. The dry mustard draws out toxins. After having this bath, it is important you do not use any product that has chemicals or artificial scents (makeup, hairspray, fragrance, etc.) because these products contain toxins and your body is too weak to fight additional toxins. If you need deodorant, mix cornstarch, backing soda and water in a spritzer bottle and spray it under your arms. This information came from our medicine man.

8.  Our medicine man asked if my sister-in-law had rocks in her home. Sure, she answered. She had some around a candle and in a vase with her bamboo plant. He told her to remove them. Stones absorb everything, including memories and disease. Take them outside and put them back on the earth to ground them. This includes jewelry that contains black onyx. If you have that on your body, take it off. If it's in your home, put it in a baggie or other container and place it in a garage or somewhere out of the house.

9. On the spiritual side, I followed the medicine man's advice. Find a tree, face the east, sprinkle tobacco on the west side of the tree as you say your prayer, and then walk away remembering not to look at the tobacco as you leave.

10. When my sister-in-law is stronger, she will be going to a sweat lodge. I don't know what will happen but I have heard many good things about them.

So this it for us. We are trying whatever we can find and we trust that all these efforts will result in helping our sister-in-law get stronger, healthier and ultimately cancer-free. 

The latest scam - BIM

I'm getting really tired of casual acquaintances calling me up to invite me over under the pretext of a business opportunity. Of course, they absolutely CANNOT tell me about it on the phone. Red flag number one.

The latest escapade occurred when some friends of ours were in town and invited us to dinner. Oh, and they had a business opportunity to discuss with us. Fine...where do you want to meet? They named the restaurant but insisted they pick us up. That for me was a red flag - coming to get us is well out of their way. Why can't we meet at the restaurant? Absolutely not...and they did indeed pick us up.

So after a nice meal, with me slightly on guard, they appeared to be their usual selves. Nothing was said about a business. As it was time to leave, they insisted on paying the bill and we went. About 30 seconds away from our home, the bomb dropped - did we mind if they invited their in-laws to our place? I'm thinking no...and why? The truth hit when another car met us in my driveway and I was ambushed in my own home.

The other couple came in and promptly set up a laptop computer. I didn't have a chance to speak as the BIM presentation took over. Of course, it's the same old schpeil - put out a big chunk of money and reap huge profits by signing up others for this "wonderous opportunity". In this case, it's $3,200 that we "invest" in this "growing" company and do nothing. Naturally, this scheme would not work if a photocopy of the $18,000 cheque made out, coincidentally, to one of their "cousins", was not produced. And, if you appear sceptical as we did, we were told that many members are from the RCMP and Canada Revenue Agency, so it must be legitimate or cops wouldn't be signing up and neither would staff from the taxation department.

So what is BIM (aka "Business in Motion")? Although I was cautioned over and over about not talking about it, I think it's time we did. Apparently, if you fork out this money you will receive some sort of coupon that entitles you to stay in luxury resorts at a fraction of the price the rest of the suckers in the world pay.

I inquired if this business was on the internet. Absolutely not, I was told. Also, it was only (ONLY) in Canada and would be moving into the U.S. so we were on the ground floor of a bank breaking opportunity to reap in huge sums of money for doing...guess what...nothing. Well, except recruit new members. But really, nothing. I don't know about anyone else, but throughout my entire life I have never been paid huge sums of money for sitting on my duff. 

So, ever the researcher, I later went on my computer and discovered:

1. People are selling BIM memberships on the internet.

2. Some of those with BIM web sites are in the U.S.

3. No one has commented positively or negatively about their experiences using the BIM coupons and staying in these luxury resorts. This is the information age...everything is on the internet. Did you get the cheap price they promise? Was it a ripoff? Why has no one anywhere posted anything about these coupons? Do they even exist?

So after bidding a final "adieu" to the uninvited guests, we are now forced to screen our calls as the "friends" who took us for dinner call incessantly wanting to know if we want to invest in this "great opportunity". My husband is disgusted...I am disgusted. A family friendship that spans more than 35 years is now on the chopping block thanks to BIM.

In another twist of fate, just two days after the ambush I ran into an old co-worker who also happens to know the people we met for dinner. He asked me if they tried to pawn off BIM to me. I said they had. He told me about a couple he knew who got solicited by our "friends" and have been waiting over a year just to recoup their initial investment...money these people could not afford to lose. They've been calling our "family friends" but no one ever returns their calls. No wonder they're all so desperate to sign someone up.

So in the end, I'm not supposed to discuss BIM with anyone at any time. Guess what...I'm talking about it. To everyone I know because that's how these scams work - they demand secrecy while appealing to people's greed. They warn you that if you talk about it and it gets to the wrong ears, you won't reap the profits that are promised.

We were supposed to go to the explanatory meeting which, I'm told by someone else I know who got sucked into going on a pretext, is like some sort of revival meeting complete with a "cancer survivor" who stands up to give a tearful thank you to BIM. Apparently, she appears day after day and does her crocodile tear routine. BIM saved her. Geez...how come scientists haven't seen the correlation between BIM travel vouchers and a cure for cancer???

For more information, see the Better Business Bureau report on this company.

Watch a segment from an investigative news program called Marketplace where they took hidden cameras into a BIM meeting.
http://www.cbc.ca/marketplace/2009/easy_money/main.html.

Phoenix Sinclair - What her death should teach us

A little girl who never had a chance - that is what is unfolding in the trial of Phoenix's mother and step-father who brutally abused her during her short life, left her to die on a cold basement floor, and then tried to con Family Services workers by getting a relative to pose as Phoenix so they could continue collecting her welfare cheques.

Firstly, these "parents" should be used as the poster children of why the death penalty needs to be reinstated. Karl MacKay, the step-father, lamented in court "I have a heart". All I have to say to that is yes, you do...and it could be used for transplant purposes since you have no right to be on this earth after what you did to that little girl. And that's just another option to be considered in this case.

Secondly, I think Child Welfare Services really needs to revamp their criteria for placement. The first change they need to make is to eliminate any applicants collecting welfare, whether they are the birth parents or not. In this case, the parents posed as a "normal" family for Family Services workers in order to collect welfare and they continued collecting welfare for Phoenix after she was dead, going so far as to try and get some other child to pose as Phoenix. They are not the only family out there looking to collect money from the province and they are not the last to try and scam the system. So the rule should be if you're on welfare, you don't get the child. Ever.

Third, Child Welfare places far too much emphasis on the kinship aspect and try to place children with their natural families. If you are concerned about the welfare of the child, place them in a loving home. Period. Forget the kinship angle and focus on the best place for the child.

Harsh? Yes...this is harsh. The retribution for the parents should be harsh as well. For anyone who doesn't know the story of Phoenix, here are a list of news stories before the trial and the trial itself. It is hard to read and equally hard to fathom that people did what they did to this innocent child.

Sunday Night Football...and Faith Hill?

I'm a big fan of the NFL. In our home, Sunday is football day...it's the day we relax, watch the games, eat junk food and my husband and I settle in for some good old fashioned banter back and forth.

I love watching the competitiveness and the athleticism of the players. And I'm really not sure where Faith Hill fits into the opening act. I'm not a fan of hers, but I don't dislike her either. I just can't see how she fits into the entire football genre.

Pink was last year's theme singer and I thought she did a great job of the SNF theme, a remake of the old Joan Jett punk-chick classic "I Hate Myself for Loving You". Pink had that edge about her...she could produce the gravel-voiced tones...she dressed like a modern version of the cooler-than-cool woman as she strutted around oozing attitude.

Last night I'm watching Faith Hill attempt to do the same thing...sing a tough girl tune wearing a white frilly necked top and white pearls. She looked like she should be standing in front of a Sunday school class. The entire look was off as she croons in a pretty, sweet-young-thing way standing in one spot and kind of (if you look really closely) swaying to the music. It doesn't fit with Sunday Night Football. It's just off.

Are there absolutely no female singers who can belt out the SNF theme in keeping with the mood of the song and the tough-chic football attitude? Total miss for NBC on that one. Time to go back to the drawing board and rethink it.

Taking care of the environment...when it's convenient

I was talking to an antique dealer the other day while having some of my mother's furniture appraised. He has been in the business for years, works closely with auction houses and also has an antique/second-hand furniture store. I commented that he should be doing well given the movement towards recycling and reusing. He laughed and began telling me how the second-hand stores are not doing well and the auction houses that are closing up due to lack of interest.

So with all the so-called "environmentally conscious" people spouting about reusing, why aren't more people buying second hand furniture? Why are they not buying the old dining room suite or bedroom set made of solid wood, refinishing it and using it? Why are they running out to the store and buying new furniture if they are so concerned about harvesting wood? Because it's not convenient. And sadly that's the bottom line in our society - we support it if it's convenient but if it impacts on our time, we don't bother. How hard is it to restain a piece of furniture to freshen it up or have it suite your taste? Not very...but it's time consuming. How difficult is it to find an older piece of furniture? Not hard...but it's time consuming to drive around to flea markets or garage sales and find something you like and haul it back home or arrange for a moving truck. It's just so much easier to wander around a retail store, sip your coffee, flip out your credit card, get back in your car and wait for the store to deliver the furniture.